Unsolicited Wedding Advice

After watching the TV show "Bridezillas" for awhile this evening, I find myself not being able to sleep; not because I'm so appalled by the brides' awful behavior, but because I found myself completely relating to their frustrations.  Maybe that's why I can't sleep: The crazy Jessica could have made an appearance during my wedding weekend and ruined everything.  Lucky for me and all those around me, I kept her at bay.

During my engagement and wedding-planning process, I picked up a few pearls of wisdom that I would love to share with every bride-to-be I know, but like me, they don't want some know-it-all jackass telling them what to do.  If you're a bride, please read this and take it to heart.  If you know a bride, print this out and send it to them in the mail with no return address.  Better yet, leave a copy in their car so they don't have a handwriting sample to compare against their bridal shower cards...

1. Marry a Man Whose Mother You Love  I hate to brag, but I loved my husband's mother from the moment I met her.  I knew that was a check in the "Win" column.  When you marry a man, for better or for worse, his family, especially his mother, comes as a package deal.  If you can't manage to enjoy a holiday or wouldn't trust leaving your future children in her care, either work to build a better relationship or give your pending marriage some serious thought.  Hoping your mother-in-law will die soon is not cool or funny.  Okay, it might be a little funny if you're half nuts yourself, but it's totally not cool.
2. Don't Get Married At Your Friend's House  No matter how cool the house or how epic the view, don't do it.  What if one of your helpful helpers scratches the ceramic cooktop with a Brillo pad, breaks or loses an irreplaceable piece of art, or damages the furniture?  It's not a hotel or reception venue you can just walk away from.  It's your friend's house.  It doesn't matter how generous and cool your friend is, don't do it.  The stress of putting a personal relationship in jeporady over their white towels that someone ruined by mopping up the puddle of beer in the garage is totally not worth it.  Stop daring to be different and rent a hotel ballroom for goodness sake.
3. Hire a Wedding Planner.  I know you don't want to spend any of your wedding budget on someone who you think is there to boss you around and take over, but chances are they won't, and even if they did, it would be money well spent.  Wedding planners are creative, yet organized people whose only job is to make your day awesome.  Choose wisely and then let them fuss over the details while you're focusing on your 9 to 5. 
4. Don't Talk About Your Wedding All the Time  I know your big day is a big deal and you're excited about it, but your friends will quickly become bored and acquaintances will regret asking how the planning is coming along.  And no matter what you may believe in your heart, your co-workers are just that: co-workers.  Their desks may be near yours, and sometimes you might all go out for happy hour together, but don't mistake them for life-long friends.  They don't care what brilliant ideas you have for your centerpieces.  Invite them to the wedding if you choose to, but leave them out of the planning.  It will make for a happier office.  Just call your mom.  If you don't have a mom, or if the one you have is nuts, post stuff on Facebook.  You can still share your ideas with the people in your life.  If anyone gets annoyed, they can just ignore you or temporarily block you.  Your feelings won't be hurt because you'll have no idea they don't care. Win, win.
5. Write a Budget and STICK TO IT  Okay, okay...no one likes the word "budget."  I get it.  If it offends your delicate sensibilities, be a Dave Ramsey follower and call it a "Spending Plan."  But whatever you do, keep track of how much you're spending and what you're spending it on.  You may be paying for your own wedding.  Good job, lady.  If this is the case, you know how difficult it is to earn that money.  Spend it wisely.  If you have the fortune of having a fiance' or parent paying for the wedding, remember that you're spending someone else's money.  Don't be a jerk.  Keep your expectations within reason.  With that being said...
6. Don't Bake Your Own Wedding Cake  If you're reading a cake blog, you're probably at least dabbling in the Cake Arts.  Put down the spatula and come back to Earth.  Multiple people told me not to bake my own wedding cake.  But did I listen?  Of course not...because I'm an arrogant a-hole.  I thought those people lacked discipline, time-management skills, and vision.  As it turns out, I'm the idiot.  My cake sure tasted good, but it was uglier than sin.  I won't even show it to you because I'm embarrassed.  Its design was boring because I had too many other things on my agenda to do it how I had originally planned, and I was in such a hurry putting it together, with my hair in pin curls mind you, that it leaned to the right.  If I had been going for the topsy turvy look, I would've half-way succeed.  Please, for the love of God and all this is holy and good, don't bake your own wedding cake.  Pass your favorite recipes to a cake-baker friend if you have one and move on!
7. Don't Invite Everyone You Know to Join You in Dress Shopping  Lucky for me, I avoided this successfully.  I hate shopping for something as simple as work clothes with friends because they always have some skewed idea as to what my style is and what looks good on me.  I can't even imagine taking them dress shopping.  Don't get me wrong, I love my friends, but I would rather (insert awful thing here) than go clothes shopping with them.  And if I made an exception, there's no way I'm coming out of that dressing room...  Anyway, your wedding dress is supposed to be a big deal.  Take one or two people who love you and don't feel they need to always be right.  If you don't know anyone who fits this description, go alone.  If you love a dress, the people with you should be nothing but supportive in your decision.  I'd like to thank my mother and mother-in-law for being the best dress shopping companions ever.
8. If You Think You Look Fat in Your Dress, Stop Whining and Do Something About It  Guilty.  I've gained some extra weight over the last couple of years.  Thanks a lot, yummy, yummy buttercream icing...  I don't like to cry, and it's rare that I do, but I had a meltdown over how I looked my dress.  I bought a gym membership but only went twice.  Listen to the voice of regret.  In a healthy way, lose some weight or learn how to use Photoshop.  Whatever you do, don't wait until tomorrow.
9. Don't Expect Your Friends to Do Everything You Want, Exactly How You Want  You might think your friends will want to do every random task you ask of them, but they don't.  They just want to relax, hang out with you, and maybe drink some beer.  Let them.  If you do put them to work, don't be mad if they can't read your mind and things don't turn out exactly how you want.  Relax and don't take your stress out on them.  You want to keep your friends, don't you?
10. Take a Chill Pill and Relax  Nothing will go as planned, but it's okay.  Channel your inner Alicia Silverstone and learn to say, "Whatever" with moxie.  I had contingency plans for wildfires, rain, and bears showing up for dinner, but I didn't have a plan for all the stuff that really did go wrong.  Whatever.  I doubt anyone noticed.  And if they did, whatever.  I doubt their wedding was, or will be, perfect either.  Shrug your shoulders and move on.

Whew!  It's good to have that stuff off of my chest.  I'm hoping I can sleep now.  If not, stay tuned for Part II, and I promise to stop watching those horrible wedding shows.  Good night, all!

And she sleeps.

Like I said in my prior post, I have a three-year-old living at my house currently. I like to refer to her as my "free-loader roommate" since she doesn't pay her share of the bills and eats my Fruit Loops. Beyond that, she's such a sweet little thing and her mom is among my best of friends, so I consider it a blessing having them here.

Earlier tonight, Lu Lu kept tugging on my arm and asking me to share my cereal. Although it made blogging difficult, I'm sure it will turn out to be a fond memory of her. At the present time, Lu Lu, her mom and I are camping out in our back yard. Let me tell you, we are roughing it. We only have two laptops out here in our tent and I don't know if we can make it through the night. :o)

To be honest, this is our trial run. Lu Lu just had a birthday and her mom said she would take her camping so she could use her new Care Bears sleeping bag. Anyway, if she can make it through the night, we're going to try camping at the near-by state park.

Now...onto the cake!

Matthew and America's Birthday Cake
A friend of mine asked me to make a birthday cake for his son who was born on the 4th of July (and yes, before you ask, I did sing "Yankee Doodle Dandy" all the way home from work that night). After mulling over several ideas, I called his dad who insisted I make it patriotic. And that I did.

July 4 would be a fabulous day to celebrate a birthday, don't you think? I, on the other hand, share my birthday with Fidel Castro and the Berlin Wall. I was beginning to hate August 13th until I found out I share it with Danny Bonaduce as well. If that's not awesome, I don't know what is.

For this one, I tried something new: Luster Dust. Since I only had a pearl white color, I only painted it on the stars and stripes. You can't see it very well in the picture, but it shimmered beautifully. I think I might have fallen madly in love with luster dust. Is that wrong?


Lu Lu's Care Bear Birthday Cake
At the risk of sounding like a crusty old woman, I love the Care Bears but I think they should have stayed in the 1980s where they belong. Do I hear an "Amen?" Anyway...

It was my original plan to make a half dozen smaller cakes with different Care Bear belly badges on each one, but when the day of the party arrived, I was exhausted. After a quick search for Care Bears on Google Images that morning, Lu Lu decided on her favorite and the baking commenced.

It was fun to see a simplified version of "Funshine Bear" come together, and like every other cake I have ever made, I learned something new and figured out a way to make it better next time.


Miss Ava Gardner's Gluten-Free Birthday Ball Gown
I had grand plans for this one, but a Rockies game in Denver the night before and my discovery of a killer cake decorating supply store (where I spent way too much money at) that's closer than Omaha sucked a lot of the time I had wanted to use. Okay, okay... a quick hour-long visit DSW stole some time too. Months ago, I decided I would buy a pair of red heels when I paid off the last of my consumer debt. Now that I'm exactly one month away from that very goal, I thought I should stop to look. Long story short, the only red heels that didn't look like stripper shoes were sold out in my size. Bummer.

So the gluten-free thing freaked me out a little bit, but it all turned out fine in the end. I found a recipe for a gluten-free flour blend online that had great reviews so I went with it. I thought I had everything I needed from my vegan baking adventures in months past, but as time was running out, I discovered I was missing a key ingredient. After a series of frantic phone calls to local grocers, I found rice flour. Did you know they made such a thing? Ooo...before I forget, I want to thank Bamboo Market in Steamboat Springs for helping me out at the last minute. They saved the day by pulling it from the shelf and taking my debit card over the phone in case I didn't make before closing time. Great ladies at Bamboo. Thanks so much!


Okay, I'm exhausted and I can't believe I'm going to spend all night in a tent on a work night. Those eggs and bacon better be amazing in the morning.

Break Time is Over. Back to Work!

Moving is hard.

My most recent wasn't all that recent, but I am the slowest unpacker in the history of the world. I've been in my condo since the first week of March and I'm just starting to feel like I live here. Finally. I added a couple of roommates in May and the "settling in" process started all over. We're almost good to go now. I just have a few more things to clear out of my bedroom before my parents' visit Labor Day weekend. I can do it!

Within the last couple of weeks I have gotten back into the cake decorating game and it couldn't be better. I made three cakes and had a great time.

Okay, blogging is harder tonight because my three-year-old roommate is running around demanding my attention and begging Fruit Loops off of me. Get your own, man. You have an allowance. :o) You and I will finish this later after the kid is asleep. I can't wait to tell you about my cakes.

Test #1: Vegan Double Chocolate Cake

Vegan baking is tricky. High-altitude baking just might be trickier.

Tonight was my first foray into the art of vegan baking, and although it wasn't a total failure, it was somewhat disappointing. I seemed to have done well with the vegan part but I forgot to compensate for the increased altitude. More flour, more liquid, less leavening. Got it. Tomorrow will be better. I hope to not have a sink hole in the middle of my cake tomorrow.

The vegan frosting I made tonight to go with the cake leaves something to be desired, I must admit. I might have to come up with something else. Maybe I'll try to figure out how to adapt my existing recipes.

In my 9th grade keyboarding classroom, my teacher had a bunch of those cheesy inspirational posters all over the place. I can't help but to think of one now. It said:

Everything is difficult before it becomes easy.

It's as true now with high-altitude vegan baking as it was then when I was learning how to type 60 words per minute. So, as my mother would say, press on, Jessica. Looks like I'm going to have chocolate cake for dinner again tomorrow night. :o)

Vegan Baking and Puss Milk

I tried to be a vegan once. No joke. All the vegans I know are super slim and I wanted to adopt the lifestyle just long enough to shed some weight. Yeah, it was pure vanity. Sue me. I bought all sorts of random crap at the grocery store that day including whole wheat gnocchi, which I'm not even sure is vegan, but it seemed legit. I had high hopes and did a pretty good job of making dinner that night, until I realized that I completely screwed it up. I added butter. Oh yes I did! That’s about the time I decided that being vegan just wasn’t going to work for me.

Fast forward two months. I was hanging around with some co-workers talking about…who even knows? I’m pretty sure I blocked most of it out. Puss milk. That is burned into my brain whether I want it to be or not. That, and juicers from the UK that don’t work in the US. Seriously, that’s all I can remember. Anyway, from my coworkers’ enthusiasm, I began thinking about this whole vegan thing again, but not as a lifestyle choice as much as a business decision. What if I included vegan cakes in my repertoire? I thought I was pretty smart.

I began to research vegan baking today, and I’ve come to the conclusion that I must be crazy. Do you have any idea how big of a role animal products play in baking? I’m not ready to give up, but I am a little concerned where I’m going to find supplies. There’s a local health food market in town. Maybe they can be of help. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Floppy von Flopperson

I baked a cake on Saturday. As far as the composition of the cake goes, it was probably my best since moving here. The texture was good, it was moist, and I was able to let it perfectly level. Mmmm...chocolate. I also tried a new icing recipe which I was pretty excited about. I didn't have almond extract, so I added peppermint oil. Chocolate and peppermint taste great together, don't you think? I discovered that during my days at The U when my roommate and I sat on the back porch drinking hot chocolate and peppermint schnapps with marshmallows on top. Those were the days.

On top of the peppermint icing with the chocolate cake below, I rolled out peppermint marshmallow fondant. Now, I know that may seem like overkill, but it was perfect. It tasted really good. The problem, however, is that the cake was ugly. U-G-L-Y. I shoved in the refrigerator with the hope of prettying it up a little on Sunday, but that thing was beyond help. It could quite possibly be my biggest flop.

I've learned how to laugh at myself and move on. That's a good thing because I'm sure this won't be my last screw-up. I didn't have a clear picture in my mind of what the cake should look like as a finished product, so I had no idea where I was going. Improvisation works well for some in comedy, but maybe not so much in cake decorating. Oh well; live and learn.

Poker Table Cake

I was invited to play poker last weekend with some girlfriends from work and a bunch of guys. I wasn't as excited about playing as I was about having a room full of people to eat my cake. Don't get me wrong, like my blog title says, I Like Cake. It's just not something I want to have hanging around my house.



The guys didn't seem to mind that I turned their poker game into a cake party. They were thrilled to have such a massive cake to dive into. I was thrilled it went over so well.



When I think of poker, I think of Vegas. When I think of Vegas I think of animal print and glitter. I can't say why exactly, having never been there, but it's just my perception. I was lucky to be able to display my cake on a board so...you know...fitting.

I played around with the edible glitter as well. It was a fun, festive touch. All the decorations were made from fondant icing.

I would write more, but I have another cake to do this afternoon. Time's a wastin'!

Good Morning, Vietnam

I'm excited, yet puzzled by this blog's audience. Vietnam? China? United Arab Emirates? Very cool, but I'm curious to know how you found me. And to my UK reader, tell your friends. People with funny accents are kinda cool. ;o)

Who Moved My Cheese?

Being a bona fide member of the Dave Ramsey financial cult, it was my duty to read his list of recommended books. "Who Moved My Cheese?" by Spencer Johnson, M.D. is among them. If you're not familiar with the book, it's a story about two mice, Sniff and Scurry, and two "little people," Hem and Haw.

The four live in a maze and feast on cheese daily. One day, they report to their Cheese Station to find the cheese gone. The mice, Sniff and Scurry had anticipated the change and were ready to adapt quickly. Sniff put his nose to the ground and Scurry scurried to implement the changes Sniff sniffed out. The little people, Hem and Haw wallowed in misery. How could someone move their cheese? It just wasn't fair! After hanging around the old cheese station for quite some time hoping their cheese would miraculously return, Haw decided to go out and find new cheese. Going out into the unknown was far less risky than staying where he was and starving to death.

I knew I what I was reading would be valuable to remember, so I posted the book's key points at my desk at work and on my refrigerator at home.

1) Change Happens

2) Anticipate Change

3) Monitor Change

4) Adapt to Change Quickly

5) CHANGE

6) Enjoy Change!

7) Be Ready to Change Quickly and Enjoy it Again and Again

I can't say I'm one who is afraid of change, but these are things I need to remind myself of frequently. While reading this book, I asked myself which character I am the most like. Am I Sniff who can easily predict changes and new trends? Am I Scurry who is quick to change when necessary? Am I Haw who drags my feet and refuses to change until I run out of options, or am I Hem who refuses to change no matter the cost? I still can't answer that with complete certainty, but I'm almost certain I am a Sniff. I can ususally see change before it comes, but I don't typically do anything about it. I wish I could be more like Scurry while retaining the characteristics of Sniff. Sometimes I need to hurry up and change so my vision can be realized.

I have ideas of how I can currently implement change in my life, with this cake thing being one of those areas to change, and I'm trying. I really am, but reprogramming your brain to naturally respond differently is difficult. I had this discussion yesterday with co-workers. One of them said it takes a full thirty days of doing something differently to be able to do it effortlessly. I guess the question to ask myself is, "How committed am I?" To quote the great poet Steve Miller in his song Jet Airliner, "You know you got to go through Hell before you get to Heaven."

Thirty days. Time to turn over that hour glass.

I Have a Website

So Step #5, "Con Ex-Boyfriend Into Building a Website" is complete. Well, it's on its way to complete, anyway. I purchased the registration of a URL for a couple of years, he set up a basic page, and is letting me use his server for awhile. It's not fancy yet, but go ahead and visit the site and add it to your bookmarks:

JessicaLikesCake.com

I need some traffic before Google will pick it up and add it to their search results, I guess. I still don't know how that all works, but apparently, I'm going to learn. I was doing some reading about fondant icing earlier tonight, and after this post is complete, I'm going to do some reading about web design. My ex said it's easy. If I can manage a blog and competently run Facebook, then I should be able to do a website. I suppose we'll see about that.

I baked a cake yesterday and was pretty unhappy with the its texture and the decor, but was well-received at Poker Night. If they all liked it, then I must have done something right. I wish I could post a picture, but all of the pictures are on my phone, the card adapter is at work, and I have no cell service at my house, so e-mailing it to myself is out-of-the-question. I'll let you see it tomorrow. :o) I have to admit, I was kind of embarrassed by the poker table cake. It was good, but I didn't feel it was great. I just read another cake decorator's blog and it was reassuring because she said that the perfect cake doesn't exist. No matter how great the baker is, there will always be at least one thing wrong with every cake. I just have to accept it, fix the mistakes the best I can, and then move on. I'm learning to laugh at myself, which is good.

I really do need to finish unpacking my condo, but I'm so excited to try some new recipes this week. I didn't know how the higher elevation would affect the cake's texture, exactly, but now I have a better idea of what to do differently. I think I'm going to bake a few and have a taste testing party at work. I can't wait.